I think perhaps the most frustrating thing I go through is trying to understand my own sense of neglect. I often feel like I am not the type that has ever really “fit in” or been the girl who everyone thought was a little weird for one reason or another. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to embrace this part of myself rather than decide that I was just unlikable.
It’s true though, some people don’t like me and they think I am over to top or too much, or maybe they think I’m too little. Anyway, those aren’t my people. I don’t care to exchange ideas with those people or let them into my world, because they have already made up their mind about me, and I am okay with that.
I use to really beat myself up over people who had poor opinions of me. I typically go about my life with the notion that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. My personal policy is simple: if you’re nice to me, I will be nice to you. But I tend to cut people off when I realize how “cool” they think they are, or when they start to berate others just for the sake of being mean. It simply isn’t a good look to me, and I don’t want any part of it. This has cost me a lot of “friendships”, none that I am particularly sad about missing out on, if I’m being honest.
And I’m also not going to sit here and act like I am the holy sister of all things kind, because I am not. I have a mean streak a prairie mile wide in all directions. I can be sassy, and flat out hateful at times. But for the most part, I try to treat everyone with the same love and respect with which I wish to be treated.
I am goofy, and I talk too much sometimes. Some people get my humor and my inappropriate jokes, some think I am crude and unladylike. But the beauty of it is, I DON”T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. I have finally come to understand that people who like me, who think I am a good person, who WANT to be in my life, will make themselves present, and not only when it’s convenient for them.
After a certain point in my life where I clung to toxic friendships that I didn’t even need , I made the decision to succeed in my life, whatever it took, and I made the decision to do it in the dark. I didn’t want to make a show of everything I was working towards, a degree, music, my own business, none of it. I wanted to shock and awe everyone around me. I wanted people to wander what I’ve been up to. Thus far, I think I’ve done a relatively fair job, not to toot my own horn, but I have busted my chops trying to make a name for myself, and doing that ethically is never the easiest way around it. I am still working on a lot, I have more projects on my hands than I have ever considered taking on at once, but I love it and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I was never meant for a life of complacency, and to this day, I have no desire to settle. I want to embrace my quirks, nourish my weirdness, surround myself with people who care about me and support me, and jump headlong into every endeavor I ever fathomed.
It’s amazing the things that you can accomplish once you cut out the dead weight from your life. By dead weight, I am referring to the following:
1.) toxic friendships/relationships/people
3.) negative people
4.) people who only come around when you’re successful
5.) people who use you for their own benefit
6.) anything that causes you to lose motivation
7.) anyone who talks down to you or makes fun of you
8.) anyone who treats you like you’re second class citizen for going your own way
9.) anyone who tries to take what’s yours and make it their own
10.) those who never have anything kind to say, ever
The list could go on and on. But these are the things I had to completely shut out of my life in order to stay focused on what’s important. I use to be the mender, the one who ALWAYS apologized. I hated when anyone was mad at me for bailing on plans or saying no to a night out. Now, I don’t give a shit and a half if so-and-so doesn’t understand that I have more important things to do. I wasn’t put on this Earth please anyone and everyone. I have a handful of friends who I can count on, I have a pocketful of sass, and I have a lot to focus on that doesn’t require the opinions of others.
I am weird, I am different. I don’t like going with the trend, and I would rather blaze my own trail as opposing to following footsteps that have already been laid out. I am too curious, to ambitious, and too obnoxious to spend a second of my time caring what anyone else thinks about it. Plus, eventually everyone wants to fall in line once they realize that the risk taking actually gets you places.
I truly wish it was as easy as “treat others the way you want to be treated”, but it isn’t. Some people think that they deserve to reside on their high horse while the peasants below them beg for their friendship.
But it ain’t me, babe.
I invite everyone into my circle, but I don’t tolerate snobby, holier than thou attitudes when Lord knows you sin like the rest of us. Being pretty, being successful, being popular, being on the map means nothing if you aren’t being YOU.
Stay true to you, even if it means taking a path less traveled. That’s usually the scenic route anyway.